


the rest of our lives

by panlesters



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Car accident (mentioned), M/M, idk what else to tag ngl, im sorry idk, just so much angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-04
Updated: 2019-12-04
Packaged: 2021-02-18 02:53:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21670651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/panlesters/pseuds/panlesters
Summary: Somewhere, in the back of his mind, he can hear his therapist telling him anger is a secondary emotion. He pushes it away. He doesn't want that right now.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 9
Kudos: 22





	the rest of our lives

**Author's Note:**

> this was a break from essay writing sorry   
> it's just angst idk 
> 
> not from the title but this fic was inspired by you by keaton henson

All he feels is anger. All he feels is utter _rage_ , and he wishes he could place it. Somewhere, in the back of his mind, he can hear his therapist telling him anger is a secondary emotion. He pushes it away. He doesn't want that right now. Hell, he doesn't think he even _needs_ that right now. 

There's a part of him that's glad the other guy didn't make it. He wants to hate that side of him. He knows that's not really okay, that it was an accident. It was no one's fault. He can't push blame. But he _has_ to. He has to blame someone, and right now he's fighting every urge to blame himself. Every part of him is hurting, every part of him is _angry_ , and if he doesn't push that anger somewhere else he doesn't know what he might do. 

Phil is gone. He's _gone_ , and he's never coming back. If that stupid man hadn't been driving his _stupid fucking car_ this would never have happened. If Phil wasn't so fucking clumsy and accident prone it wouldn't have happened. 

He really has to stop himself then. He _can't_ be angry at Phil. He is desperate to keep his view of Phil pure, and perfect, with no distortion. He'd rather be angry at himself. 

Walking around the house is awful. He's managed to hold it together since he walked in, but when he goes into the bathroom Phil's fucking _contact lens pot_ is there, taunting him. 

He's already seen Kath and Nigel. He couldn't bear it, he couldn't even look at them. But now he needs some comfort, and he's picking up his phone, dialling Kath. 

It's Nigel who answers. 

"Dan?" his voice cracks even as he says Dan's name. This strong, unfailingly confident, positive man. He is broken. 

Dan crumples to the ground with a sob. 

"Dan..." he can hear Nigel's own muffled cry. "I'm coming over, okay son?" 

He can hear Nigel's voice wobble as he says it. He'll never be able to talk to Phil again. His _child_. 

Dan wants to punch a wall. He thinks about how Phil would laugh and tell him to think of the deposit. _Fuck_ the deposit, Dan thinks as he almost puts his hand through the wall. He stops himself just in time, and ends up weakly pounding on the wall, wishing he had the strength to do more. 

He's still on the floor when Nigel walks in. He remembers they gave him a key, long ago when they first got the apartment.

They are both shaking, and it's a challenge to get Dan on his feet. He and Nigel have never been close, but in that moment Dan just needs someone, desperately. He turns and clutches Nigel, grabbing handfuls of his shirt and in the haze he is surprised to find Nigel doing the same. They stand together, tears falling on to each other's shoulders. It's the most connected he's ever felt to Nigel. Phil would be so proud. 

He has to get out. They have to leave this house. Everywhere he looks, there are reminders of Phil. Plants by the wall, photos, post it notes of jobs to be done. 

Nigel picks up a coat from the door. It's Phil's, but right now Dan doesn't care. He wraps it around himself, relishing the smell of Phil's familiar not-too-expensive cologne that Dan used to mock him for. 

It's cold outside as they wait for the taxi. Nigel rests his head on Dan's shoulder and it's a comforting weight. Dan puts one hand around Nigel, the other in Phil's pocket. He feels around in there. A sweet wrapper, some keys. 

It's not until he's standing in the hallway of the Lesters' hotel flat that he awkwardly thrusts both hands into his pockets and feels something hard. He wraps his hand around it and pulls it out. 

It's a ring box. 

Dan knows what it is without even having to open it. With broken, bloodshot eyes he looks up at Kath and Nigel, who immediately soften. Kath's hand shoots up to cover her mouth. She lets out a sob.

When Dan opens it, he can't help the emotion that erupts out of him. The ring is silver, beautiful. The diamond is jet black. It's perfect. When Dan picks it up, he notices an inscription. He doesn't want to read it. 

Of course, he has to read it. He's not sure what to expect; there are so many words shared between them that mean the world. Squinting, he finds it hard to even make out the words in between the tears. 

_The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return._

"Did you know about this?" his voice is a whisper. He thinks they haven't heard him at first, until they share a look and Kath nods. 

"He, uh... he didn't know when the right time was," she says quietly. 

"Fuck," Dan whispers. He's careful to put the ring back in his pocket before his fingers come up to press his eyes. "I kept telling him it didn't matter if we never got married. I kept telling him we had the rest of our lives." 

It's Kath who opens her arms then. He's quick to accept her. Her arms have never been anything but comfort, love, and acceptance. Her hand is in his hair, softly stroking. 

"You meant the world to him, you know." She is barely speaking. If she raises her voice it will crack, Dan knows. "You were all he ever wanted." 

It's not what he wants to hear right now. Phil was all _Dan_ wanted, and now he was gone. He still feels angry, but now he feels the primary emotions that led to that. He lets them come forward. Hurt, heartbreak, loss. He's lost the love of his life. He's lost his world. He's lost his entire future. He takes a deep breath, and lets it out. Lets himself cry into Kath, lets her cry into him. Some time in those moments, Nigel wraps his arms around the both of them. 

Somehow, it still feels like family.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading! comments are appreciated, come scream at me @ panlesters on tumblr


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